Things have now reached the point, where I feel as if I need a lifeline. It dawned on me yesterday at work when I helped an older woman, in her 60 sixties or so. As I do with any customer I encounter at work, I said “Thank you and have a nice day.” She replied with “Any day on the right side of the green grass is a good day” and smiled at me. I forced myself to smile back and as soon as she left, I excused myself to the restroom. Sitting there in the stall, I quietly wept to myself. I cried, because at that moment I realized I don’t feel that way at all. I’d rather go to sleep and never wake up, than to deal with the pain every new morning. I guess it’s all been building to it, but it never dawned on me how badly I’ve been handling it. My emotions have spiraled out of control and all I feel is depression. I haven’t been able to eat and each time I try, it comes right back up. I’ve barely been able to sleep and the few times I do, I never want to wake up again. Last night I had a dream where I was suffering severe vertigo and it jolted me awake, but that sense of disorientation was still there. I got out of bed to go splash water on my face and I couldn’t make it. As I lay there staring at the ceiling, I started to wonder what the point of anything really is anymore. Everyday is just the same. Mundane routine followed by more mundane routine, without an ounce of happiness. Why bother?
